golden silence

when my class gets a little rowdy, i zone out... it's hard to be an introvert in an extroverted kind of job... i have to continuously interact with different personalities all at the same time and try to be enthusiastic with a topic that they would rather sleep through.

that is why i enjoy my alone time... may it be walking home from work or quietly reading a good book. it helps me to center myself and be aware that there are things that i can do in silence that will make me feel more complete.

some people hate being alone. however, i feel that being alone can sometimes be liberating, especially when you've spent an entire week socializing and trying your best not to grow tired of smiling all the time.

when you're alone, you get to be more relaxed and less mindful of your actions. you get to be more natural and less anxious about the things that are happening around you. It is fun to be with people and do activities with them, but it is also refreshing to sit in front of an open field or a sandy beach with just you and your thoughts.

these days i just don't have that luxury of time to go somewhere and venture out on my own. if i had money and lots of spare time, i would have gone to far places so i could just enjoy the richness of nature and talk to God until the wee hours of the morning.

silence really is golden nowadays when communication is one click away and distractions abound. so it is important for any person to pause once in a while and take the time to discover peace within.

getting fat again...and hating it...

i'm a bit depressed right now... after all the compliments i've gotten about my new hairstyle, it seems that it can't beat my insecurity about my weight.

i know i'm not fat anymore, but people always ask me, "are you pregnant?" sometimes people can really be blunt... and hurtful...

i want to be vulnerable right now... i don't want to pretend that it's not hurting my feelings... i try to smile and just say that i'm okay, but i'm really not...

the bad things that i feel about myself always creeps up and i can't fight it... it always brings me a lot of disappointment...

i know i should be kinder to myself, but i have to acknowledge that i feel hurt because if i don't, i will only end up bottling up all my ill feelings towards myself.

i just hope that when i get older, i will be able to accept who i am and not be affected by what other people say. i'm only human, and i'm not perfect. i just hope that people will be more careful with the things they say...

iskrambol

pink siya at malamig, masarap pag tag-araw
giniling na yelo't gatas, may syrup pa sa ibabaw
matamis na parang halo-halo, abot kaya talaga
kayang kayang bilhin kahit ng mga bata.

mga matatanda ay parang bumabalik sa pagkabata
tuwing iniinom ang iskrambol bumabalik ang alaala
nung panahong ang kanilang tanging problemang iniisip
ay kung paano papasa at mabawasan ang pagkainip.

sadyang ang panahon ay puno ng mga pagbabago
ang dating iskrambol may dagdag nang inihahalo
tulad ng marshmallow, candy sprinkles, at nips
ikaw ang pipili, kung ano man ang iyong trip!

at dito na nagtatapos ang aking maikling pagpupugay
sa iskrambol na sadyang bahagi na ng ating buhay
sana lahat ng tao'y patuloy itong tatangkilikin
sapagkat ito ay isang produktong sariling atin!

define direction?

Yes, I don't think I have one... I was supposed to be enrolling for my masters, but then just thinking of the future expenses scare the hell out of me!

I just got a full-time job, which I am happy about.:) I hope that this is the start of some sort of direction for this 27-year-old English instructor from Marikina City.

My heart flutters at the thought of my nephews and niece. They're also one of the few reasons I'm still surviving. They give me a reason to believe that there are angels on earth.:) I do plan to have a child in the future (uncertain as it may seem), although the means of which I would be able to acquire one is still under consideration. My mind and heart can't seem to make a unified decision on it. But based on my current situation in life, I think the decision can wait.

Aside from studying and raising my own child, I also plan to be my own boss. I want to have a small business that I can call my own, with or without business partners. A food business more likely, since that is one of the things that I really enjoy.

Now that I go over what I have just typed, I come to the conclusion that I DO HAVE A DIRECTION!:D In a way, I seem to have pieced together all the frustrations that I have in life and put them in this small space where I can speak out without anybody playing devil's advocate.

I feel much better, and it seems that the future looks brighter... less scary...

I do understand that these plans are merely a grocery list of things that I haven't bought yet. I know I still have a lot of growing up to do before all of these come into fruition, but then I feel that they're easier to reach now.:)

principled but penniless

It is refreshing when somebody stands by his principles and does not get swayed by money.

I watched Mr. Efren Peñaflorida on TV last night with Boy Abunda on Bottomline and I agreed with what Boy said about Efren. He brought back the trust and positivity of people towards others.

He seems too good to be true. A twenty-eight-year old virgin who is an educator and a certified international hero. If CNN didn't recognize him and honor him as the hero of the year, I wouldn't have known who he was. I would have seen him inside a jeepney or FX, or maybe we would've crossed paths, but I think I wouldn't have noticed him.

They say that when you're a principled person, you're likely to be a penniless person. Unfortunately, it's true.

My mother, sister and I often talk about that at the dinner table. We often find ourselves agreeing with each other that it is hard to compromise your principles with financial success. It's either you let go of your principles and become rich, or you maintain your values while losing your chance at earning big money.

I think it will be harder for me to live abundantly while the rest of the world suffers from poverty. I don't know how corrupt politicians and businessmen live everyday without feeling any guilt. As my mother would say: "Their souls are already in flames even while they're still alive."

I do hope that Efren and all everyday heroes will continue on with their good work. It will be a much better place if people like them inspire others to wake up and see the reality of our present situation.

I'm not Efren, but I do hope that I will be able to support his crusade against poverty and ignorance.

God bless our everyday heroes.

of manwhores and men

Face it, we like looking at bulging biceps and six-pack abs and drool over them. But do you imagine yourself getting into a long-term relationship with such men?

It's easy to tell whether a guy is for fun or for keeps; however, we like to fool ourselves at times and confuse one for the other. Sometimes we choose to switch off our common sense and rely on pure luck to bag a guy who looks like Brad Pitt but thinks like Shakespeare.

Women of the millennium, let us not be slaves to our own little fairy tales inside our heads. We were born way beyond the Elizabethan era and we're not boxed in the same stereotype that those women were. We can choose to either be happy with our decisions or be miserable with decisions other people make for us.

A guy who struts his stuff in front of you expecting for you to swoon is the same guy who wants to get in your pants. Think twice if you really want to be "fooled" by him, or say "No, thank you" and walk away with your dignity intact.

All I'm saying is that you have a choice. If you want to like him, it's not a crime. If you want to go out with him, be my guest!:) If you want to take a step further and sleep with him, then that's your prerogative. Just be responsible for the consequences that would eventually unfold.

If you wake up next to him and dream that one day you'll be having kids with him, honey, you're in the wrong path. Do not confuse lust for love... If you want to stay sane, then do it with good sense. You know that he's not going to promise you the stars or his fidelity, so stop dreaming and just enjoy his company. It may not last for long, but at least you held your own and didn't look pathetic. He might even consider staying if you show your confident side.;)

A guy hates a clingy woman. The more you stalk him and call him your "boyfriend," the more he would want to jump off the ship. Don't wait for him to say something about your relationship, because that's never gonna happen. I'm sorry to burst anybody's bubble, but it is the truth.

I'm not being cynical about guys. I love them, but I'm sure they agree with what I'm saying. They don't meet girls just so they can find someone to marry. They don't want to fast forward their lives from being a bachelor to being the man of the house. They like taking their time getting to know a lot of women because they like being with them. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. So I think women should also think the same as men do in that aspect.

We're not pressured to get married right away. We have our own jobs and we can support ourselves. It's not like we're still living in the middle ages when the women need to bear many children so they can help with the house chores. Our time is different now, so our ideas on love or commitment should be modified to fit our current situation.

You're lucky if a guy is ready to be in a serious relationship with you. A guy's full commitment is like holding the holy grail. Drop it and you lose it forever... So don't be so careless with feelings either. If the boy toy turns out to be a keeper, then good for you! Just be careful not too hold on too tight or too loose. Be grateful, but not too eager.;)

I'm sure that when you relax and let the journey take its course, it will lead you to where you want it to be. It's not fair that you become so stressed with finding the right person and not being able to notice the people who want to be with you. You won't find a perfect person, I can tell you that. But it's never too late to stop and smell the testosterone around you. Stop getting so worked up in finding a future husband. Enjoy the view and take it all in. You might miss it when you finally reach your destination.;)

wise up

I got the title from Aimee Mann's song. It got to me, actually. I should wise up. Everybody should wise up. This post sucks.haha.

Well, I just wanna put something in here before I proscrastinate any further.

I was talking to a friend earlier on MSN and I've realized that it is time for me to do something with my life. I've been waiting for far too long for something to change and all that's stopping me is me.

Why do we do it? Why do we need to ask people what we're gonna do with our lives and end up doing what we want, anyway? It's because we just need to confirm that what we're about to do is something that everyone would agree with and we wouldn't end up being nailed to the cross because of it.

Why do we need everyone to agree with it? It is because we've all come to an understanding that life isn't all about us. The world does not revolve around you. We need to adjust our schedules, our body clocks, and our own little life compasses because we're not the only ones who live on this earth.

It is quite a discomfort sometimes, and what is strange is that other people don't even care to follow this universal rule.

You have to learn to live with a few words that make life a bit hard to swallow. These words are: compromise, adjustment, patience, and acceptance.

Compromise. Can we just disregard it and just do what we want and whine when we can't have it? No... We should learn how to agree with each other and not fight over every little thing. There should be someone who's always ready to give way to the other in order for everything to be settled; however, it's not always the same person who should do that.

Adjustment. Sometimes we don't get along with people because they have certain traits that irritate you or annoy you. Yes, it seems like they're not acting they're age or you really just hate how they look, but is it their fault they were made that way? No matter how hard it is for us to adapt with other people, we have to deal with the fact that they might be feeling the same way about your quirky self.

Patience. This is the most difficult thing to have especially when the person you need to give it to is not a very likable one. It is a challenge to make your patience elastic and stretch it as far as you can. It is easier to burst and let everything go, but have you ever thought of its consequences? It is a burden to try to bear with everything that a person says or does, but it pays off when you get to understand where he's coming from. You can learn this easily just by giving enough time for the person to explain himself before you give any opinion on the matter.

Acceptance. It is a big word and not everybody has the courage to surrender to it. It is an inevitable end to whatever it is that's bothering you, but at the same time it is a painful process. After you've gone over your situation over and over again, it all boils down to accepting the fact that it did happen and that you will have to embrace it however painful it will be.

God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

The courage to change the things that I can;

And the wisdom to know the difference.

- Reinhold Niebuhr