golden silence

when my class gets a little rowdy, i zone out... it's hard to be an introvert in an extroverted kind of job... i have to continuously interact with different personalities all at the same time and try to be enthusiastic with a topic that they would rather sleep through.

that is why i enjoy my alone time... may it be walking home from work or quietly reading a good book. it helps me to center myself and be aware that there are things that i can do in silence that will make me feel more complete.

some people hate being alone. however, i feel that being alone can sometimes be liberating, especially when you've spent an entire week socializing and trying your best not to grow tired of smiling all the time.

when you're alone, you get to be more relaxed and less mindful of your actions. you get to be more natural and less anxious about the things that are happening around you. It is fun to be with people and do activities with them, but it is also refreshing to sit in front of an open field or a sandy beach with just you and your thoughts.

these days i just don't have that luxury of time to go somewhere and venture out on my own. if i had money and lots of spare time, i would have gone to far places so i could just enjoy the richness of nature and talk to God until the wee hours of the morning.

silence really is golden nowadays when communication is one click away and distractions abound. so it is important for any person to pause once in a while and take the time to discover peace within.

getting fat again...and hating it...

i'm a bit depressed right now... after all the compliments i've gotten about my new hairstyle, it seems that it can't beat my insecurity about my weight.

i know i'm not fat anymore, but people always ask me, "are you pregnant?" sometimes people can really be blunt... and hurtful...

i want to be vulnerable right now... i don't want to pretend that it's not hurting my feelings... i try to smile and just say that i'm okay, but i'm really not...

the bad things that i feel about myself always creeps up and i can't fight it... it always brings me a lot of disappointment...

i know i should be kinder to myself, but i have to acknowledge that i feel hurt because if i don't, i will only end up bottling up all my ill feelings towards myself.

i just hope that when i get older, i will be able to accept who i am and not be affected by what other people say. i'm only human, and i'm not perfect. i just hope that people will be more careful with the things they say...

iskrambol

pink siya at malamig, masarap pag tag-araw
giniling na yelo't gatas, may syrup pa sa ibabaw
matamis na parang halo-halo, abot kaya talaga
kayang kayang bilhin kahit ng mga bata.

mga matatanda ay parang bumabalik sa pagkabata
tuwing iniinom ang iskrambol bumabalik ang alaala
nung panahong ang kanilang tanging problemang iniisip
ay kung paano papasa at mabawasan ang pagkainip.

sadyang ang panahon ay puno ng mga pagbabago
ang dating iskrambol may dagdag nang inihahalo
tulad ng marshmallow, candy sprinkles, at nips
ikaw ang pipili, kung ano man ang iyong trip!

at dito na nagtatapos ang aking maikling pagpupugay
sa iskrambol na sadyang bahagi na ng ating buhay
sana lahat ng tao'y patuloy itong tatangkilikin
sapagkat ito ay isang produktong sariling atin!

define direction?

Yes, I don't think I have one... I was supposed to be enrolling for my masters, but then just thinking of the future expenses scare the hell out of me!

I just got a full-time job, which I am happy about.:) I hope that this is the start of some sort of direction for this 27-year-old English instructor from Marikina City.

My heart flutters at the thought of my nephews and niece. They're also one of the few reasons I'm still surviving. They give me a reason to believe that there are angels on earth.:) I do plan to have a child in the future (uncertain as it may seem), although the means of which I would be able to acquire one is still under consideration. My mind and heart can't seem to make a unified decision on it. But based on my current situation in life, I think the decision can wait.

Aside from studying and raising my own child, I also plan to be my own boss. I want to have a small business that I can call my own, with or without business partners. A food business more likely, since that is one of the things that I really enjoy.

Now that I go over what I have just typed, I come to the conclusion that I DO HAVE A DIRECTION!:D In a way, I seem to have pieced together all the frustrations that I have in life and put them in this small space where I can speak out without anybody playing devil's advocate.

I feel much better, and it seems that the future looks brighter... less scary...

I do understand that these plans are merely a grocery list of things that I haven't bought yet. I know I still have a lot of growing up to do before all of these come into fruition, but then I feel that they're easier to reach now.:)